The Red Top 5: The silliest magazines for women*

By The Red Witch on 8:07 PM

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Yesterday I first tried myself at macramé and I didn't have time for an Indie Friday entry. But to make up for that, I have something really special coming up for next week's Indie Friday!
Well today is the day I'm finally writing the first entry from The Red Top 5 column! In short, it's an improvised, unpretentious chart on various topics, reflecting only my personal opinion(So if you don't like it, just don't comment. Haters aren't welcome here.)

For the topic of my first Red Top 5 Chart I chose something which really annoys me. It's one of those tiny, eeky, annoying little bugs existing in the life of every woman coming from an advanced, civilized society.It's staring at you from the TV, from the newsstand, begging you to buy it(because then, and only then will you get a "unique" handbag as gift!).It's the archenemy of every woman's self-esteem. It's...a magazine for women.

Have you ever noticed the pictures of gorgeous women in men's magazines? Yes, well, it's kinda natural, isn't it... But the pictures of even more gorgeous women in women's magazines? Or the "shopping" columns? (Please, get over yourselves, sisters! "Shopping" is NOT an existing word in Bulgarian language! It's just plain stupid to use it instead of the Bulgarian word. No, it's not trendy, it's stupid.)

Several trees have been sacrificed for the making of about 40 glossy pages, whose content is roughly divided in : 50% ads, 20% gossip, 25% "shopping advice", 5% "articles" on fashion, dieting, broken heart...oh yes, and let's not forget the horoscope, and the various kinds of fortune telling: from coffee residue, tea leaves, tarot cards, chopsticks, runes(?!)...wow it seems like all these magazines have hired pro fortune tellers!

Well I think I made it pretty clear why I don't read women's magazines.

Without further ado, here is The Red Top 5 Of Silliest Magazines For Women:



#5 "Kosa i Krasota [In English: Hair And Beauty]"

This magazine is at the bottom of the chart because it occasionally publishes articles which are well written, and not about fashion, style, cosmetics etc. So it has deserved the prestigious #5 position.


#4 EVA

If you're lucky, except from the regular gossip, beauty and shopping columns you may find something worth reading (not a big chance for that though).


#3 ELLE

Defining itself as a magazine which focuses mainly on fashion and style, ELLE is completely incompetent and superficial about all other topics it writes about. In the new Bulgarian issue: Should we wear a bra or not?
Read at your own risk! :р



#2 "The Woman Today"

On the unfortunate second place in our little contest today is a magazine which is a total classic in the genre of Bulgarian women's magazines- "The Woman Today" [Bulgarian: "Jenata Dnes"]. "The oldest Bulgarian magazine", as it proudly proclaims itself to be, is, indeed really old. Too old to be interesting to any one any more. You can't expect anything else than the "regular" columns( health, beauty, shopping guide, gossip, etc).



#1 "Cosmopolitan"

The absolute winner of the first Red Top 5 Chart is the Bulgarian issue of the magazine, famous for being written for women who cannot think for themselves - Cosmopolitan.

Looking through the pages of its issues, one gets the feeling that this magazine is written for women who, apparently,
-can't dress well (don't worry, ladies, Cosmo shopping guide comes to the rescue!);
-can't do a blow-job;
-don't know what a blow-job is;
-don't know how to satisfy their partner(s) in bed;
-don't know how to find and keep a guy;
-don't know what to do when they get a stomachache;
-still can't get over their small breasts;
-like to look at pictures of pretty models(done with professional equipment,make-up and lightning and then edited and retouched in Photoshop) and feel sorry for themselves for not looking like them;
-are looking for a wallpaper of a half naked guy for their desktop;
-are looking for a place to spend over a 1000$ for a pair of tights and a belt(Cosmo helps best here!);
-are searching for yet another diet, that will weaken their body and make them hate it even more;
-have some time to kill while waiting in line at the beauty salon/the plastic surgeon's office.

Fortunately, I don't fit into any of the above mentioned categories:), but I am sincerely very sorry for all the lost female souls who spend their money to read this..crap.

But I don't want this entry to have a pessimistic ending, so here's what: for all of you ladies out there, here is a real, divinely talented woman (who doesn't look at all like a Cosmopolitan cover girl and that doesn't make her any less unique and amazing):



Meet PJ Harvey.




*The Red Witch

* This article deals entirely with women's magazines, published and circulating in Bulgaria.

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